"How I Spent My Wednesday" by Louise O'Brien

My company likes us to keep a record of how we spend our time. I aim to please so here is today's run down.

7:21 am. Wake up in a panic. A slightly hungover panic. Smak self repeatedly in the head for thinking that Kahlua and milk was the appropriate response to insomnia.

7:22 am Trip over own foot on the way to the bathroom.

7:25 am Take shower and decide that washing one's hair should be optional.

7:33 am Poke self in eye while putting in left contact.

8:05 am Run madly out the front gate of apartment complex thinking I'm going to miss the bus. Notice guy who stands outside complex waiting for his ride to work everyday is laughing. Then notice that there is no bus and am running for nothing.

8:14 am Board bus behind a weird woman who doesn't seem to know what city she's in.

8:21 am Woman behind me on bus begins screaming that the driver has to let her off. Silently look up at the signal string hanging off of each bus window and wonder if she knows what they're for -- to signal your stop on the bus.

8:22 am Another woman behind me tells me my hair smells like sunshine. Debate on whether to tell her hair has not been washed since yesterday. Decide against it and try to look menacing instead.

8:29 am Arrive at work. Trip over own foot a second time.

8:31 am Smack own arm with front door to office building.

8:35 am Walk into office kitchen to be greeted by empty coffee carafe. Mutter the words "Greedy coffee drinking bastards" and slink back to cubicle.

8:36-10:05 am Various work activities too boring to mention.

10:06 am Attempt to fax producer in Century City. Realize have no knowledge of how fax machine works. Inadvertently fax Brazil. Ask coworker for help. Explain that I was dropped on the head as a child and it has forever affected my ability to use machinery.

10:07-11:00 am Search for coffee proceeds at five-minute intervals. Spend nearly an hour hoping someone else will make a fresh pot. Decide it would be sad to have to admit that I don't know how to use the coffee maker either. Suffer in silence.

11:01 am Give up on coffee in office and walk across street to Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Trip over own foot in front of co-workers walking the other way.

11:05 am Order vanilla latte and sigh in disbelief that this stupid morning is not over.

11:06 am Try sample of iced vanilla peppermint coffee drink while waiting for coffee.

11:07 am Spit iced vanilla peppermint coffee drink in waste basket. Shoot dirty look at barista and take latte off the counter.

11:10 am Tell my mother I don't have time to talk to her when she calls/

11:11 am Call mother back and apologize.

11:12-12:00 pm Spend most of hour looking for boss. Vow to staple him to his chair the next time he sits in it.

12:02 pm Realize that no one I was planning to have lunch with remembered that we had lunch plans.

12:03 pm Think about how long I have to wait for them to remember before I can ditch them and go to Pei Wei.

1:01 pm Go to Pei Wei. Wait 10 minutes for food while sipping on soda.

1:06 pm Trip on way to get soda refill.

1:14 pm Pick pieces of chicken out of pad thai that I purposely ordered with chicken because I remember that I don't like chicken.

:00 pm Participate in brainstorming session during which Elizabeth and I decide that it is not appropriate to name a Las Vegas tourism campaign intended to promote local taxpayers confidence in the system either of the following :"Wasting your tax dollars" or "Why the freeway still isn't finished."

2:21 pm Trip over own foot while sitting down. Decide I'm mentally retarded and take candy out of Tamar's candy jar to cheer myself up.

3:01 pm Wonder how many people would like to watch me trip and crack my head open.

3:02 pm Michael walks by and calls me "poppet". Decide he would think me tripping and cracking my head open was funny.

3:30 pm Start singing "Jimmy Crack Corn" with no noticeable provocation. Hear Josh sigh in the next cube. Wonder if the two events are related.

3:31-5:00 pm Compile a media list of 1,000 journalists for a future event. Accidentally delete half my work. Call myself a "foot-tripping idiot of the first order" and decide to go home.