Translation device

When he says, "Why don't you ever call me?"

It actually means, "If you call me, I will either start a fight with you or not answer because if you call me that means you're needy, even if you are only calling because I gave you implicit instructions to do so. But I don't want to do all the work -- or any of the work in this relationship, if I can help it. So here's the deal: I can call you whenever I want and you should be there to talk to me. And then I'll pout and ask why you don't ever call me. But when you do I'll be completely unavailable. 'Cuz that's how I roll."

When he says, "You're mean to me."

It actually means, "You're telling me something I don't want to hear right now, something I've aggravated you into saying because I decided to start a fight rather than just have a pleasant conversation with you. Because if we just have a pleasant conversation we might just be getting along which might mean you're getting close to me and we can't have that. No sir!"

When he says, "I need you to tell me what's bothering you."

It actually means, "I have little to no interest in what is actually bothering you. If I have to know what is bothering you then I have to care about you. And if I do that then I'm not really a man. A man ignores you and makes you beg for attention but expects you to be ready to talk or text or just be there when he needs to hear your voice. And I am a man! But I want you to think I care so I'm going to pretend to listen to you now. And then I'll hang up and forget you even exist until the next time I'm drunk and horny and can't find anyone else to put up with my shit."

When he says, "I would never purposely hurt your feelings."

It actually means, "I want you to think I'm the kind of guy who keeps your feelings in mind. But I am completely oblivous to the fact that what I do hurts you, even when 'what I do' is as obviously hurtful as ignoring you, and yelling at you and calling you a 'drunk'."

When he says, "You're so cute when you're like this."

It actually means, "I love when you're drunk and flirty and not, you know, real. It's fun especially when you're far away and nothing really matters to either one of us except me making inappropriate comments about your breasts and you giggling at every stupid word that comes out of my mouth. This is way better than when you actually want to talk to the real me when we're sober. That's not fun at all."