Inappropriate

Every once in a while I realize that I don't have it all figured out. That might seem like an obvious statement and those of you who actually know me might be thinking right now, "Louise, when exactly did you think you had it all figured out? Because you're a freaking mess." But I did. I do. I give my friends advice about men and love and women and sex. WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW?!? I fall for the wrong people all the time. I always had this wonderful capability -- if I met someone who was "inappropriate" I could turn off my attraction to them. So if they were married, gay, one of my co-workers, roommates, friends of my cousin I could actually STOP myself from thinking they were cute. I had this friend in high school, Todd, that all my friends thought was hot. It turns out he was hot. But I never saw it because I turned off my ability to see that because he was my friend and I didn't want to fuck with that.

Anyway, I think I've lost this ability. In the past week I've become attracted to people who are completely inappropriate for me. And I think I got my friend mad at me in the process. But I don't know... I never really like anyone. If I like someone, shouldn't I go for it? Shouldn't I at least try? You wanna know the funny part -- all the advice I give, it's so easy for me to see the right way to do things when it comes to someone else. But I just can't figure out what the next step should be for me.

On a non-weepy wingy moanyhole note, hi Rob and Gregg! I love when people I haven't seen in years find me on My Space. It's so cool.

I leave for France tomorrow so I might go out tonight but I have to spend most of the day packing and cleaning my apartment. Anyway, try to live without me, 'kay? Don't stick your heads in the oven or slit your wrists for missing me. I would feel terrible.

Not a stupid flake

What is the different between a cafe au lait and a cafe latte? And why is one of them $1 more expensive at Dean & Deluca? Just wondering...

I am so behind with everything that I have to do that I think people around me think I'm a flake. Well... I am a flake, I think. I'm just not a STUPID flake. I just can't seem to keep my desk neat, my bag neat, my mail in order. Everything is all chaotic and crazy with me lately. I just got used to spending time in New York and now it looks like the travel crazies are starting up again. Ugh. I love to travel, I really do. But I hate when my ears pop and I hate unpacking. These are 2 neccessities of travel unfortunately. I DO love the little movie screens at each seat in the newer airplanes, foreign money and the multitude of magazines and foreign candy at airports. So I will try to concentrate on that. Anyone want me to bring them back a Lion Bar or something? Anyone going to be in Paris on June 3 and want to spend the day entertaining me?

I want to make out with someone

Baked Lays are the best food ever invented. I don't like to admit that I eat hydrogentically improved foodstuffs but whatevs. They're yummy and they have very little fat.

I am soooooooooooooooooooo tired and unneccessarily so. I read somewhere that the first sign of insanity is when you start thinking that your work is really important. Unless you work for the American Cancer Society or Doctors Without Borders or something your work is probably not THAT important. Meaning no one will die if you don't get shit done. It's good to do a good job, it's nice to give 100% but I should NOT be crying in my office. NEVER. NEVER EVER.

I have to go to France this weekend. Every time I have to go away I worry. I don't know exactly what I worry about but I start to feel like a knot in my stomach and I have little panic attacks. Not proud of that. But I love to travel. So riddle me THAT. I mean it's not like I ever DON'T have fun on these trips. I'm such a jerk.

You know what I could use? A crush. I would love to have a crush on someone right now. I would love to have someone that I actually WANT to make out with. I keep making out with my friends. That's just stupid.

I like the new Nelly Furtado song. It's produced by Timbaland so of course it's stuck in my head.

Edison New Jersey makes good vodka

I went to a party last night at something called Club 301, which is basically someone's apartment in an industrial building in the garment district. My friend's band According to Wendy was playing and I saw some people that I haven't seen in a while. There was a keg! I haven't been to a party with a keg since college. Ah, keg stands. At some point the keg was kicked, because UNLIKE every frat party I've ever been to, no one seemed to know that you are supposed to have 1 keg per 20 guests (there were like 60 people there). So I started drinking Coke and vodka -- vodka, which we later found out was bottled and distilled in Edison, New Jersey. That did not bode well so I went home.

I'm leaving for France next week. I'm going to miss most of Memorial Day Weekend because of it. So sad. I was invited to go out to the Hamptons that weekend. I've actually never spent the weekend in the Hamptons. I'm always happy to be going to France but I am NOT happy to be working on Memorial Day.

I saw The Da Vinci Code the day before it opened. I went to a screening put on by Eurostar. It wasn't as bad as everyone said it was. I thought it was fairly entertaining. I have an odd crush on Tom Hanks. Kind of like the crush you might have on a professor in college. At one point in the movie Audrey Tatou puts her hands on his head and his head looked so giant -- like a St Bernard or something. Anyway, it was fun. I saw literally everywhere the movie was filmed when I took my Da Vinci Code press trip back in March so that was cool. I could even tell you where the fake stuff was -- like, for instance, they did not film any of the movie in London, not even the Westminster Abbey bit. We'll all go see it together and I'll tell you all the secrets.

Secrets

Knowing how to speak a foreign language is like being let in on a secret. I love that. I speak French quite badly and I mostly only understand Spanish but its still better than knowing nothing. At least I know the secrets. I would like to learn Arabic or Japanese. I would like to learn a language that my face would imply that I should NOT know. Like, "Hey, why does that white girl speak Mandarin?" Something like that.

I wonder if people really remember people they see on the subway, or people they overhear talking in ladies' rooms or bars. I do but I've long ago figured out that the things I do are not the same things other people do. There is a guy on the subway. He sings Bob Marley songs on the N train. I've literally seen him singing these same songs for years. I know what he looks like, what he says to get people to give him more money. But he doesn't know me. He doesn't remember me. Isn't that interesting? It's one of the most interesting things about New York. Or any big city really. You make impressions on people -- well, I don't. I don't think strangers remember me. But I remember them. I remember their faces and I write stories about them. Sometimes I dream about people I don't know and I have to assume they are people I saw once on the subway or on an airplane or at a restaurant and I just don't remember it. That's a little bit like being let in on a secret, too. I see these people. I know them even if other people don't.

I don't know where all these thoughts came from.

Every man for him- or herself

Here's what annoys me about men -- and I use that term loosely to mean "people with male sex parts". Let's say you're out with your friends and there are guys there and you happen to be female. Let's say your friends -- who can be bitchy and combative when they want to be -- notice that the "guys" present (and I even use THAT term loosely because these are BOYS if anything and maybe not even that) are in the midst of arguing with you about something that you, as a female, are not expected to know anything about -- say sports, or music, or something involving testosterone. Anyway, you stand up for yourself, because you're smart, you know you have a point, you know what you're talking about. And he's pissed.

When no one else is around this guy does what all "guys" do. He waits for his chance to find the one thing that is wrong with you --- maybe you're fat, maybe you're gawky, maybe you have a big nose, maybe you're just a girl and therefore the term "bitch" will suffice. And he throws it at you. He throws it at you like a dart. Because he KNOWS that you will lose it. You are female after all. You are prone to emotional outbreaks. You will tell him where to go and in front of everyone. And you will cry. And you will end the night embarassed because just GUESS what you're friends are gonna do? They're gonna tell you they didn't hear it so they don't know he said it. They're gonna say you're embarassing them. They're gonna ask you to calm down before you get kicked out.

Here's my problem. If my friend -- male or female -- told me that someone I barely knew, someone who wasn't related to me or didn't drop everything everytime I got dumped or needed someone to walk my dog -- if that someone I barely knew called my FRIEND anything that made them so upset they were literally screaming in public, there would be no question. I WOULD KICK THEIR ASS. Because you do not make my friends cry in public. You do not in my presence call my friend a liar.

I am going to break myself of that habit. I am going to become the kind of friend (and relative) that my friends and relatives have become. I am going to turn off that knee jerk loyalty that makes me actually angry on their part. And I'm going to just go about my life not caring what people do to them. Because apparently it's every man for him- or herself.

Not in a dirty way

I twisted my ankle like 3 times today while sitting at my desk. It takes a special kind of retard, I tell you what. I can't really complain about it out loud because Katherine, who sits across from me, has ACTUAL crutches for her ACTUAL sprained ankle. She has been hobbling all over the place. It's so sad. What's sadder is she twisted her ankle dancing in high heels. I would so do that. Poor Kitty.

So last night I went to a cool party for the ETC at the Roberto Dutesco Gallery. For once, even though it was a work event, people I like to talk to were there. And the editor of my favorite free "grab it on your way out the door of the bar and read it on the subway" magazine, GO NYC, was there. So we chatted and she dissed The L Word but that's okay. I'm not bitter.

Okay, this is a shout out to all the people who are currently mad at me. I think the list is longer than I want to admit to myself. If we are actually friends and I pissed you off, I won't know unless you talk to me. Apparently I've been utterly rude and insensitive lately and I didn't know it OR the truth is out -- I suck and people are just realizing it now. Which do you think it is, dear reader? Do you still love me? You do? Well, I love you, too! But not in that way, you understand. I love you like a BLOGGER loves a READER. Not in that dirty way. Don't walk away. Keep reading. Wait, now what? Are you mad at me, too?

Looking out for da girls

One of my good friends is mad at me. Again. You know who you are. Stop being mad. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

On to other stuff. I had an eventful weekend. One of my friends threw up in my presence in an almost LEGENDARY way on Saturday evening. I mean she was so cheerful while she was doing it but truly she should not still be ALIVE and STANDING after all the stuff that came out of her. I just grossed all of you out, didn't I? Well if I have to have this information in my head, you alllllllll do! So there! Anyway, I didn't get to go everywhere I promised to be on Saturday night. So that sucks. But I was happy to see her although I wish I hadn't seen quite so much of her innards. Ew. I just said "innards". Ew.

My friend Tina is getting married. Her bridesmaids organized a pub crawl -- ingenious! Candy necklaces were involved. It was funny. I asked some guy to eat one of the candies off -- we were SUPPOSED to be doing this, don't judge me! -- and he bit the string and the candy went everywhere. I was like you had better be carefulllll if a girl ever asks you to... ahem... eat anything else. He didn't think that was very funny -- apparently he thought I was disparaging his SKILLS in that arena -- but I'm just looking out for the girls of the world, know what I'm sayin? Someone with that little control over his teeth is DANGEROUS.

Adriana is such the good friend that she gave me a brand new necklace and bit off the 6 pieces that I had already had bitten off me so that I would be all caught up and not have to start from scratch. There were fishbowls of liquor involved in this evening and glitter sticks, in addition to the candy. And Tina was still standing when I was poured into a taxi and sent home so go TINA!

Worrying about worrying

I worry a lot. I don't want to but I do. I wake up like three times a night, usually because I'm worried. Or because I have to pee. Usually it's the worried thing, though. If someone I know doesn't call me back sometimes I worry that they died. That's retarded, right? Or if my sister goes out on a date I worry he's gonna turn out to be a serial killer. Serial killers are not that common but I watch Law & Order A LOT. So they're kind of top of mind for me. Now I'm kind of worried that I'm such a worrier. My mom always tells this story that she was scared that I would be the only 9 year-old with an ulcer because I used to worry about the ozone layer and homeless people. Anyway, I would like to worry a little less. Just a little. Just enough to sleep for like three hours in a row. That would be awesome.

Last night was fun.Well, the night before I got a little tipsy and forgot my mom's mother's day present at Tir Na Nog. Karen told them to hold it for me behind the bar. TNN is like on the other side of midtown from my office but I walked there after work. Abby called me as I was on my way over to tell me that she was going out for drinks at Bliss, which is like 3 blocks from my office. Just my luck. So after I picked up the present I walked all the way back and I was so proud of myself because in total I walked like 2 1/2 miles BEFORE I started drinking for the evening, which means I'm healthy and stuff right? And then Abby told me that she's started taking kickboxing classes which sort of makes my walking across town look... well, pathetic. But I got the present back at least. I got her a satellite radio. She's gonna be so happy!

I kind of helped with an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen. It was on this week. It was the saddest episode so far. Watch and tell me what you think. Don't you feel sorry for that girl? I mean not only is she being raised in a culture that thinks you have to be on a reality show to get anywhere in life but her party did not go well. Everyone together now... AWWWW! Poor little rich girl with her chateau in France. You've got it so rough.

Oh my God, did everyone see The Office? I'm so happy with way it ended but I just saw it today because I Tivod it so if you're like me and you haven't seen it yet I don't want to give it away but if you HAVE and you want to discuss, lemme know!

Chris is celebrating his birthday AGAIN tonight. (Yeah, yeah we're really happy you were born a hundred years ago, now get over yourself!) Anyway, According to Wendy is playing at Pussycat Lounge, the only strip club I've ever heard of where people would pay the girls to get down, put their clothes on and start a conversation rather than keep dancing. Come on down. Could be fun.

David Blaine and the little blue pill

So David Blaine couldn't hold his breath for 7 minutes and he had to be taken to the hospital all pruny and corpse-like. WHY does he think that torturing himself in public is magic? What's his next trick gonna be? Taking lots of Viagara and seeing if he can survive that 4+ hour erection the commercials are always warning you about?

I remember when he froze himself in a block of ice a few years ago. He was dating that Maybelline model at the time and everytime a camera was anywhere near her she would turn on the waterworks and pretend to be so worried about him. But I was there and the rest of the time she looked bored. It must be so weird to be David Blaine's girlfriend. I mean someday he is going to do something to get himself maimed and if you think dating him now looks hard, imagine what it will be like when he loses all his appendages and he's just a stump? Because that's in the cards for you, David, if you keep submerging yourself underwater, burying yourself alive, hanging from a bridge and standing on poles on one foot. No life led in constant peril ends well.

THE YANKEES WIN! THE YANKEES WIN! I was supposed to go meet some people at Dave & Busters but just as I was about to leave Jason Giambi hit a 2-run homer and then Alex Rodriguez -- otherwise known as ARod, or, as my sister calls him, "the reason hot dogs are now $8 at Yankee Stadium" -- actually earned a little bit of his gargantuan paycheck tonight. Thank you, ARod! Anyway, I didn't go out. I feel like I abandoned them last night and they lost miserably. I know I don't have all that much power... well, actually I don't know that. It could all be thanks to me. You don't know!

I went out to Coda last night to see Chris' friend play. She was pretty good. I wish I'd paid better attention but instead I was watching the game with no sound at the bar and I think I scared him a little. I try not to scream out my death wishes for the Red Sox. I hear them in my head and then they come streaming out of my mouth.

Did anyone watch CNN this afternoon? It was on while I was standing on line at the bank during my lunch break. News story after news story were like live video streams from CRAZY TOWN. It was like someone was doing a spoof on the news or something. The first story I saw was about an internet sex sting. The police fooled this guy into thinking he was coming to a strip mall in New Hampshire to meet a 14-year old girl. When he got there -- carrying flowers with a condom and marijuana in his pocket -- the police and some TV cameras were there. First, why were the TV cameras there? Have the police started doing PR for themselves? Are they trying to get coverage for these stings? Seems odd. Then the guy kind of threw himself on the floor or maybe the cops did it for him, I don't remember which. But this reporter puts her mike in his face and starts asking him questions. So there he is -- he's caught, he's a pedophile, America knows it AND he's facedown on the cement -- and he's being all SNOTTY to her. She said, "So you thought you were coming to meet a 14-year old girl, didn't you?" And he says, somewhat like Napoleon Dynamite, "Uh, I don't THINK so!" I was laughing out loud in the bank. The guy ahead of me in line thought I was very uncouth, you could just tell.

The next story was about a priest who is on trial for killing a nun in 1980. I didn't get to hear the end of that one but that is a Dan Brown book waiting to happen, dontcha think

Yummy Moroccan vegetables

Moroccan vegetable wraps from Pax are goooooooooddddd! And good for you. And go well with the stale cup of coffee that has been sitting on my desk since early this morning.

Can someone explain to me why every movie I like becomes a crappy Broadway play? Is there really a play about The Wedding Singer? And I heard the Weinsteins are producing a Broadway version of Crouching Tiger,Hidden Dragon. I'm sure that will work out splendidly.

I am apparently the only person who did not know that Rosie O'Donnell is joining The View How weird. I wonder if her and Star Jones will come to fisticuffs -- Ms. "I'm fat and I'm proud" vs. Ms. "Surgery? What surgery?" I heard Star might be leaving anyhoo. Did I ever tell you guys my Star Jones story? Remind me if we ever hang out again. I can't reprint it here.

I made you a cookie but I eated it

I found this little cartoon with a little sad guy with a big head and it says "I made you a cookie but I eated it." For some reason that freaking tickles me like you wouldn't believe. I ran around all day yesterday randomly saying that to people and laughing like a retard. I worry about me sometimes.

I am a terrible friend who did not go out for her friend's birthday party last night. Because I suck. I really really suck. Some of my other friends who live in Harlem were in my 'hood yesterday afternoon which NEVER happens so I went to meet them and figured I had plenty of time to go out with said birthday friend later. Not realizing that beer + no food = drunk Louise. Drunk embarassing Louise. Drunk embarassing grabbing people and saying "I made you a cookie but I eated it" Louise.

Stories like this are occuring far too frequently in my life. So the new rule is (and those of you who drink with me and care about my karma will be asked to enforce this rule) I will have 1 drink followed by 1 water or 1 diet soda. Then if I want a 2nd alcoholic drink I may purchase one. But only after ingesting the non-alcoholic water or soda. Get it? This may lessen the chances of my missing any future birthday parties OR more importantly, showing up to your birthday party and making you wish that I would forget your phone number.

Cinco de Mayo

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo todos! Es hora para el tequila y la cerveza y Chris robará un sombrero para mí. (Translation available here.)

So it is Cinco de Mayo (1) which is great! And it is my friend Shara's birthday (2) which means she is 29 and can stop throwing my old age in my face by saying, "Well, I'm only 28... blah blah blah." And it is almost time to leave work (3). So those are the three reasons to be happy at this hour, minute and second in time. Are you all happy? Yes? Well, good. You follow instructions well.

I am tired and my back hurts. I cancelled a date for tonight because I just can't handle romance tonight. Does that make sense to anyone but me and Katie? I just can't handle the whole "Where did you grow up? What do your parents do? How many sisters and brothers do you have?" I don't KNOW why so stop asking me people. But I like the person I was going to go out with so hopefully I will be able to reschedule. I just can't do it tonight.

Chris owes me some tequila so I have to run and meet him before he changes his mind. And then I will be galavanting all over the city. And wondering if I made a mistake cancelling my date.

Now as my friends and blog readers it is your job to assure me that I did NOT make a mistake and that you love me, idiosyncracies, foibles, neurocies and all. 'Cuz you do, right?

Bye bye Garofalo

When a celebrity becomes a scientologist (I am not capitalizing that word because I don't capitalize the names of CULTS) I am forced to stop liking them. I am sorry to say that I have to add Janeane Garofalo to that group. She joins other celebrities that I used to like and respect -- Beck, Jason Lee, Danny Masterson, Leah Remini. Why Janeane? Why? Why has thou foresaken me and all of your other intelligent fans who used to look to you for wisdom and political insight? Bastard scientologists. They fucking ruin everything.

If Kate Moennig or John Frusciante get lured away I'm leaving the country, I swear. Because that means no one is safe.

Whiny assed people

Here is what annoys me. When people phrase questions like this:

"You wouldn't want to go to the store and get me cigarettes?"

"You don't want me to come back in today, right? I mean by the time I get there it will be time to come home." (Co-worker who left to go to a doctor's appointment.)

Please people, don't phrase questions this way! Just ASK for what you want. "Will you go get cigarettes for me? Would you mind if I didn't come back to work?" It sounds so WHINY the other way.

I heard about this singer that I will supposedly like called Rachael Sage. Anyone know her stuff? Anyway she is playing in Brooklyn tonight at Pete's Candy Store. I might go check it out. I might ALSO be bringing a date. Stay tuned for how that goes.

Tough talking to hats

So anyone who was sitting anywhere near me at the Yankee game yesterday may have heard me scream "Catch that ball, you son of a bitch or I will come down there and kick you in the testicles." Yes, I did say that. No, I had no intention of actually kicking Johnny Damonin the balls. But I would like to point out that he did catch the ball and the Yankees won. Ah well, my friends Diane and Anthony thought it was pretty funny. It was even funnier when these Toronto fans behind me (yeah, I didn't know they existed either!) started to yell, "We love BJs!" (I assume as in Blue Jays but you know where their dirty minds were headed.) Some little kid behind us started to yell, "BJs suck!" He did not have a dirty mind because he was like 8 years old. It was so sweet... and twisted. He was just trying to be a loyal fan and he inadvertently said something very naughty. All together now... AWWWWWWW!!!

Work today was so quiet but I was really tired anyway and not making much sense. I spent like 15 minutes of this afternoon having a nonsensical conversation with Chris over IM. Something about my hat saying "hello" and then I think I called the hat a slut. I don't really know where that conversation was going.

Was anyone affected by the protests? There was like NO ONE working at Au Bon Pain. They had all the slow cashiers on duty, the ones who can't make change, I think because no one else showed up. I wanted to see the human chain but no one seemed to know where it was. I heard it went all the way to Queens. Is that true? Did any of you take part? Did any of you take off of work? I would have if I had remembered. Or if anyone from my office would have noticed that I was gone.

The other exciting news of the day is that Tara Jarmon is coming to Target. Is anyone else excited but me? Field trip to Target everyone!

I promise to be a little bit more exciting the next time I choose to write something. Actually, scratch that. I don't promise anything of the kind. I don't owe you people anything. You're not the boss of me! I mean, what can you do? Force me to be interesting. You and what army...

I have a feeling that last paragraph was headed in the same direction as the aforementioned slutty hat convo so I am going to end this here.