The only Oscar recap you'll need to read

This has been a very exciting night and to top it off I wanted to give you all my up-to-the-minute, live-action Oscar commentary. I know you can't wait so let's get to it.
READER’S NOTES: Please keep in mind that these are in the present tense because they were written as the action unfolded. And also keep in mind that Myspace fucks every all kinds of formatting so if you're reading it there, my apologies for all the weird spacing. But it ain't my fault.

• I like being on the West Coast. That means that for the first time in my life, I will not be straining to keep my eyes open to see who won Best Picture.
• Everyone ... and I mean everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone -- except Penelope Cruz and Anne Hathaway (whose photo from tonight I couldn’t find so here’s another nice one with her boobies showing) looks STUPID on the red carpet. It's the Oscars, people – comb your freaking hair and get it out of your face. And you're not dancing in Jubilee! so leave the feathers home.
• "The Ballad of the Tragically Un-nominated" as sung by Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly about the plight of comedians not being recognized by the Academy will probably be one of the funniest moments of the night – it will almost be superceded by Jerry Seinfeld much later in the broadcast referring to the documentaries in the full-length category as "incredibly depressing”. The theme of the song seems to be that comedians should do serious, artsy films sometimes to show their range. A good addition to this musical number would have been Jim Carrey coming out to sing about how he manages to do both comedy and serious films and still is routinely ignored at the Oscars. (I'm still a little bitter about him not winning for Man on the Moon. The pain has begun to fade but it still stings now and again.)
• I think Will Smith’s little boy might have a big head already. I don't know why I think that. It's just a gut feeling I have while watching his parents glow with pride as he makes a tiny ass of himself on national TV. Awww, isn't he cute. Weird little Dakota Fanning-wannabe Abigail Breslin managed to read the teleprompter right, dumbass.
  
• Pan’s Labyrinth starts to win awards early in the broadcast. I begin to feel bad for a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) who recently embarrassed himself in a group email situation by accidentally insulting the film to the film's producer. I start hoping the film will start losing so as to vindicate him.
• Someone should teach little Abigail Breslin to pay just a little bit of attention while her octogenarian co-star (who doesn't even mention her or any other member of the film’s cast in his acceptance speech) is giving his acceptance speech.
• I want to pinch Al Gore’s chubby cheeks. He's so cute. He makes me recycle but I love him.
• Why is Ben Affleck on stage? I step away for one minute to put a load of laundry in and Affleck appears.
• Children of Men looks like a good movie. Pity I never heard of it before. Not living in New York or Los Angeles means I often miss the best shit but there are currently six theaters in my immediate vicinity playing Music and Lyrics.
• Tom Cruise scares me. I can't even look right at him. Now would be a good time to get up and make some tea. It's like his crazy beady eyes are following me as I get up and walk away from the TV.
• Pan’s Labyrinth does not win Best Foreign Language Film. Unnamed friend must be very relieved. If it had won he would never have heard the end of it.
• God gave Jennifer Hudson (who I love but who I don't believe is the recipient of divine intervention) the Supporting Actress Oscar. Or maybe it was her grandmother. Or maybe her grandmother asked God to do it. It's a little unclear but I'm happy for her.
  Jerry Seinfeld comes on to make his depressing comment. And then they show a clip of a doc called Jesus Camp and tea comes out of my nose when I start laughing.
• Davis Guggenheim hugs Al Gore while collecting his Oscar and no one pinches his cheeks. I am disappointed but I lived through his presidency being stolen from him from him so I think I can handle it.
• I wish I had written Little Miss Sunshine, especially since everyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed (and not in a healthy way) with the following things in no particular order – VW vans, child beauty pageants, Steve Carell and pornography, the latter only because I think porn stars are hiiiiii-larious. This is not exactly Oscar commentary so I will follow it with this little interesting tidbit that I'm learning during tonight's telecast—Michael Arndt who did write the screenplay used to be Matthew Broderick’s assistant and had to quit his job in order to finish the project. It's a little inspiring -- he was kind of nobody and he wrote an Academy-award winning script.
• Beyoncé is completely upstaged by ma girl Jennifer. I love it! I have nothing against Beyoncé but she's a little slow and I think she has trouble talking. After uttering the phrase "Sing it girl" (presumably to Jennifer Hudson) during their little Dreamgirls medley she begins to sing. Um... yeah... I think she was talking to herself.
• Watching the clip from the Pursuit of Happyness convinces that I was right in not seeing in the theaters because I would still be crying. I’m kind of a sap.
• Forest Whittaker won Best Actor. I didn’t see that coming and I don’t think I picked him in the Oscar Pool at work so there goes $100. I’m happy for him, though. I hope they don’t cut off his speech with that stupid music.
• Please let Marty win. Please let Marty win. Please let Marty win. I have to stop typing and go cross my fingers.
• YAY! YAY! Way to go, Marty. You could see him trying not too look excited. He’s been burned so many times. I have to go call my sister.
• Jessica’s not answering. But my Mom does when I call her. She paused the awards when she went to the bathroom about an hour ago so she’s like 8 minutes behind. She says she’ll call me back when the announcement is made in her living room.
• Jack, Jack, Jack you look like Marlon Brando in The Island of Doctor Moreau. Yeah, not a good thing.
• WAY TO GO MARTY! Even though The Departed is a movie about Boston I forgive you. The announcer just said that he was quoted as saying this was the first movie he ever did with a plot. Um… what? GoodFellas had a plot (and it was about NEW YORK). Casino had a plot (and it was about LAS VEGAS). Ok, Marty, let’s not fight. Enjoy your moment. I see your giant glasses getting all fogged up. Let it out, Marty. You deserve it.