I have been thinking a lot lately about my ex-boyfriends. Well mostly just one of them. He's a wee bit retarded actually. It makes me nuts that I dated him for almost two years. He was a very nice guy. Very nice. But he had no conviction. He didn't believe in anything. And, again, he was retarded.
About 1 month before we broke up (which was 6 months ago) my friends were over at his place watching a movie, Kill Bill. Anyone who's seen this movie would know that there are lots of subtitles in Kill Bill because she goes to Japan pretty early in the movie. Because he had borrowed the DVD from Netflix and copied it, for some reason the subtitles didn't show up, which he knew before he put it on for us to watch. So I was a little perturbed that he didn't tell us this before we started watching the movie but oh well.
My friend Diane and her husband had to leave early so he offered to lend her the movie to watch at home.
Lo and behold we break up. Not a great heartache. That's just life. I totally forgot that Diane had his DVDs. A month or so after we break up, she mentions them to me, like "What should I do? Should I call him to return his DVDs?" I'm like, "You know what? They were copies and they sucked. I'm sure he'll just borrow the movie from a friend and make another copy. Why would he want them anyway? The subtitles aren't there. They're crap."
I go away on a business trip. When I come back, Diane calls me hysterically laughing because the day I left, the idiot emailed her about the DVDs. He actually started the email with the line," Dear Diane, I know you must hate me for what I did to Louise." I thought that was pretty freaking funny. I wish I could say I gave a fuck that we broke up but, um... I don't. I'm a little callous that way.
Anyway, emails are exchanged, they decide he can come pick up the DVDs at her apartment. She's keeping me out of it because I am cringing with embarassment that my ex is shaking my friends down for crappy DVDs. Crappy DVD copies that every single one of the three members of his group of loser friends also owns, so he could easily borrow them from him and recopy them. I mean is he trying to recoup his losses for the blank DVDs? The ones I know he stole from his office? The best part of this is that I have an actual DVD of his and he has never called to get it back. I think he's afraid of me. I consider it my parting gift from a failed relationship. Sorry it didn't work out, but hey I have an unblemished copy of Ocean's Eleven to enjoy for a lifetime.
He goes to her house, gets the DVDs, she's rushing him out the door (now that we're broken up, Diane confides that she finds him "creepy") and he asks her to do him a favor. "What is it?" she asks hesitantly, as her husband stands in the hallway holding the door open for the idiot to pass through and out of the their lives. "I have something of Louise's that I think she will want back," he says sheepishly. "So give it back to her," says Diane, fighting the urge to push him out the door. "Can you give it to her for me?" he says, running out door to his car and coming back with a little plastic bag.
"I bet you will never guess what's in the bag," she says to me on the phone, literally 5 minutes after he leaves her place. "Oh I know what's in it. Deodorant and tampons." She is flabbergasted that I know this. Yes, ladies and gentleman, my ex-boyfriend who I practically lived with for nearly 2 years harassed my friend about a crappy DVD copy and went to a lot of trouble to return a 1/2 used box of OB tampons and a bottle of no-name deodorant that I bought at the 99 cent Store. Oh, and a white Hanes t-shirt with spaghetti sauce on the front and a pair of pajama pants with a rip in the leg. As Diane said to me, "Why would you want these things back?" The answer is.. I wouldn't! The shit you leave behind in someone's apartment is the shit you never plan to see again. Doesn't he think that I bought new tampons and deodorant since we broke up back in May? Did he think I was just sitting in my apartment, bleeding and stinking, wondering when he was going to return my stuff?
So it's official -- I'm keeping his copy of Ocean's Eleven. I've earned it. Because the whole thing made me realize that if he left deodorant in my apartment, two things would happen:
1) He would actually want it back rather than have to spend another 1.29 on a new bottle.
2) He would not have the guts to ask me for it back.
So until he calls me and asks me, he cannot have Ocean's Eleven. And I will invite all my girlfriends over to watch it and we will drool over George Clooney and Brad Pitt and wonder why we continually waste our vast feminine powers on idiots.
I told Diane to make sure to throw the bag of crap out in a public garbage bin. Perhaps it will do a homeless woman some good.
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