Hypocritical rant

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Katherine for calling me Lauren Bacall all day. When she wasn't calling me Lauren Bacall she was asking me to sing Janis Joplin songs. I lost my voice over the weekend. I normally come in on Monday with a slight rasp but it's still here today and -- apparently -- it sounds really funny. This tickled her pink. But then she went out and got me a giant iced coffee so I forgive her. At least until she has something wrong with her and then I will make fun of her until she cries. La la la!

Does anyone else think that the guy who says he killed JonBenet Ramsey is making it up to get attention? Does anyone else think it sucks that he got to fly Business Class? They should have put him in the last row of Coach next to the bathroom and bumped all the people who had purchased seats next to him up to First. Instead he got champagne and shrimp and a hot towel for his face. If you've ever flown Business Class you know about the hot face towel. It rocks! But be forewarned -- it's hot. They don't call it the hot face towel for nothin'. They mean it. It's hot.
Here's what I don't like about New York. This morning I was walking up Madison Avenue behind this pretty girl and I watched her walk over to another girl and compliment her dress. Girl #2 looked like someone had smacked her. I wanted to grab her and scream, "She complimented your dress, you nitwit. She's not going to follow you home and kill you. She didn't offer to give you the plague. She complimented your DRESS!"

I felt very sad about the state of the city I live in. What kind of world is it when people take compliments the same way they take their flu shot? And then I was at the coffee shop in my office building waiting for my caffeine fix, mindlessly scratching the mosquito bites on my ankle when the guy standing there waiting for his coffee leaned in and very sweetly said, "You wouldn't believe it but calomine lotion actually works." And I looked at him like he was nuts. Can you say hypocrite, Louise?

I'm leaving for Vegas tomorrow morning. I'll be back on Friday morning. If anyone is going to be in the vicinity of Vegas over the next two days give me a call. I have a great big hotel room that someone else is paying for and I am bound to be lonely. I'll explain why I'm going there when I get back. That ole jinx again.

And to sign off I will leave you with a line from David Sedaris: "Everyone looks retarded when you set your mind to it." I just love that.