Christmas Check-List

Since I utilize this blog to share everything that goes through my twisted little brain with you people, I thought you'd all enjoy being privy to my Christmas Check-List -- you know, the list of things I have to accomplish before the most festive, and depressing holiday of the year is upon us. The goal is to put a little check next to each item on the list which signifies "task accomplished". Let's see how successful I've been so far this holiday season, shall we?

-- Gifts for Mom, Dad, Step Mom, Sister, Uncle, Godmother, Nephews, Cousins, Aunt -- CHECK!
-- Donations made to worthwhile children's charities -- CHECK!
-- Recipe for spice cake downloaded from internet and ingredients purchased -- half-CHECK!
-- Alienation by friends I've had for years who chose the holiday with the highest suicide rate to prove to be useless and good for absolutely nothing worthwhile in my life -- CHECK!
-- Receipt of guilt from family for not being able to fix irreperable rift between certain key members of said family -- CHECK!
-- Failure to succeed at attempts to be a better person, friend, employee, writer, the latter due to the fact that all creativity and skill goes out the window when one resorts to using lists as blog fodder -- CHECK!
-- Ingestion of 1 gazillion calories in celebratory carbs and alcohol - CHECK!
-- Purchase of 3 Calvin Klein dresses (on sale) to salve hurt feelings over several of the above items, using much-needed Christmas and bill-paying funds -- CHECK!
-- Depressive morass within which to sink, with the help of Bing Crosby and Christmas chocolate, with a vodka chaser. Ok, several vodka chasers -- CHECK!
-- Pre-New Year's resolutions to stop letting the wrong people reside in my life, and to stop caring so much about what these wrong people think when I kick their asses OUT! -- CHECK!

Looks like a pretty successful holiday season so far. Merry Christmas everyone. If anyone is wondering what I would like from Kris Kringle, how about a straight razor and cyanide?

That was a joke. Please don't call any hotlines on my behalf. It's called "caustic humor", everyone. But I could use some more vodka.