People disappearing

There are people who will disappear from your life. And that sucks. But it's part of life, unfortunately. They will be part of your daily existence for days, weeks, months, sometimes years, and then they suddenly, almost without warning, become one of those people you pretend to be glad to see when you run into them at a party or on the street but with whom you no longer have anything in common. And, anyway, the relationship is gone.

I don't know why this happens, but inevitably when it happens to me, even when it's because I've kicked someone out of my life, it hurts me. That little hole in my life becomes hard to fill or I start to beat myself up, because it must be something about me that makes people leave me.

All I can imagine -- because I refuse to believe that there is not a reason for everything -- is that they disappear because either their purpose in your life has been fulfilled or because they no longer have a positive purpose to be in your life and fate takes a hand and just removes them. I hope that it's one of those reasons. But having faith that there is a reason for this kind of thing to happen doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I'm sad about someone in particular who no longer feels the need to reach out to me. We used to talk every day but it's been a month since I've heard his voice or gotten an email from him. I think that my purpose in his life came to an end. At least that's what he's given me every reason to believe. I wasn't aware of that but I guess it must be true.

I guess we no longer need to be around each other and eventually my heart will stop hurting when I think about him. I'm trying to keep my chin up about that. I'm trying not to dwell on what fun we had together, or how much I looked forward to talking to him. It's hard but I know the reasons for his disappearance will become clear to me over time.

Yesterday I watched one of my amazing friends dance at our mutual friend's wedding while someone who she had to remove from her life sat at a nearby table with his girlfriend. I watched her hold her head up (even if she ran into the bathroom occasionally to cry). I watched her dance and have fun and not look even look in his direction. And I was so proud of her. I know I can do that, too. I just wish I didn't have to deal with the sadness of these holes in my life when I'm alone. That's what really sucks.