If I Were Mayor of New York (Archive from October 10, 2003)

Rule 1 -- No children allowed in Manhattan. Families would be required to live in the outer boroughs. Kids would only be allowed to be brought into the city on holidays and other special occasions. There would certainly be no strollers allowed on the streets during rush hour and never ever on the subway.
Rule 2 -- Tourists would only be allowed to parade up and down the streets like idiots during designated hours when people are not at work. The freaking Rockefeller Center tree will be still be there after 5:00 pm.
Rule 3 -- To help implement Rule 2, all stupid tourist sites like the Empire State Building and Rock Center would open later so as to allow for the tourists to come when they are not in normal people's way.
Rule 4 -- Smoking would be allowed anywhere that drinking is. If you're so concerned with your health, what exactly are you doing in a bar? Hmmmm....?
Rule 5 -- If you're going to move to New York from Boston, please stop being a jackass about the Red Sox. 'Nuff said.
Rule 6 -- If you're going to move to New York from anywhere else, please don't "become" a Yankee fan and then claim you always liked them. You're a winner fan. You like winners. Those of us who were Yankee fans in the '80s when they couldn't catch a break find it very annoying and as mayor I will throw all of you in jail.